The “Good Boy” Trap: Why Seeking Validation Leaves You Empty

When I was in my early twenties, I didn’t love myself. Honestly, I didn’t even know what self-love was. I was filled with deep, existential doubt.

Because I felt empty inside, I spent all my energy begging for love from the world around me. I became a professional at seeking validation.

I looked for it in women. I wanted beautiful girlfriends who would adore me, thinking that if they loved me, I would finally feel worthy. I looked for it in my family. I did everything they wanted me to do. I said “yes” to everything. I became the perfect “good boy.”

I also looked for it in my friends. I wanted to belong, so I acted exactly like them. I betrayed my own personality and desires just to be accepted.

I was chasing a feeling that I called love, but it wasn’t love. It was just a cheap substitute. It was an anesthesia to numb the pain of my own emptiness.

I was constantly anxious, trying to “rob” energy from the outside world because I couldn’t generate it within myself. I forced my behavior, my words, and my actions just to keep everyone else happy. Eventually, this pressure caused me to explode existentially. That breakdown was the beginning of my spiritual path.

The Solitude Paradox: Finding Connection When You Are Alone

Seven years later, my life looked completely different. I had gone through a massive spiritual awakening and moved to a new city where I didn’t know a single soul.

On the surface, it looked like I had lost everything I used to chase. I had no friends in town. I had no girlfriends. I lived alone in an apartment and spent most of my time working or being by myself.

But something incredible started happening.

Every night, I would lie down in a huge bed in a lonely room, in a neighborhood where nobody knew my name. And yet, I felt completely full of love.

One night, I opened my eyes, stared at the ceiling, and asked myself: “How is this even possible?”

Back when I had friends, girlfriends, a good job, and social success, I felt empty. Now, when I was more alone than ever, I felt more love than ever.

That was the moment I began to understand. I realized that self-love isn’t something you get from others—it’s a state you enter. And to enter it, I had intuitively followed a process that I want to share with you now.

Step One: Radical Acceptance (Meeting Your Shadow)

The first and most important step to finding self-love is acceptance.

But be careful—people often confuse acceptance with resignation. Resignation is when you look at something you don’t like and say, “Well, I guess it’s going to be like this forever.” That is not acceptance. That is giving up.

True acceptance is the ability to include everything in your perception. It means looking at what is happening in your body, your emotions, and the world around you, and letting it be there without trying to push it away.

Stop Hiding Your “Underworld”

In shamanism, we talk about the Underworld or the Shadow. This isn’t some mystical place in another dimension; it is right here, inside you.

Your Shadow is where you store all your pain, guilt, unresolved wounds, and the parts of yourself you are ashamed of. It lives in your body—in your muscle tension, in your joint pain, and in those intense, uncomfortable emotions you try to avoid.

For years, I tried to hide my Shadow. For example, I used to be a bit chubby, and I hated my body. Instead of accepting it, I covered it up with clothes and looked the other way. I put on my “good boy” mask to hide my insecurities from others and from myself.

But here is the secret: You cannot feel love if you are hiding.

To find love, you must start observing the parts of yourself you don’t like. You don’t have to like them, but you have to feel them. Ask yourself: “Why does this make me feel bad? Do I feel ashamed? Sad? Weak?”

Relax into those feelings. Include them in your experience. This is the prerequisite for love to enter.

Step Two: Trusting That Life Makes No Mistakes

Once you develop the habit of looking at your dark places, you need something else to keep you going: Trust.

You need to trust that your pain, your shadow, and your struggles are not mistakes. They are not glitches in the system. They are a fundamental part of your existence.

The Limiting Belief That Kills Love

Most of us walk around with a subconscious belief that life is dangerous, chaotic, or accidental. We think that if we stop controlling everything, things will fall apart. We believe that pain is proof that something has gone wrong.

This belief is the enemy of inner peace.

The truth is that life does not fail. Nothing that happens to you is accidental. Everything in this universe follows the law of cause and effect.

Your “Underworld”—that heavy baggage of karma and pain you carry—is actually there for a reason. Without it, your life would have no direction. It is intimately connected to your life purpose.

There is a hidden order behind the chaos. The ultimate goal of every experience, even the painful ones, is your healing, your growth, and your eventual return to love. When you start to see life this way, you stop fighting against reality and start trusting the process.

Step Three: The Art of Losing Control

This was the final piece of the puzzle for me. Once I accepted my shadow and trusted life, I started to develop a new ability: entering a state of non-control.

I used to try to control everything in my life to get what I wanted. But it never worked. I realized that the most beautiful things in life—like authentic love—only happen when you stop trying to manage the outcome.

Love is not a math problem. You cannot solve it like an equation. You cannot force it.

Transcending the Mind

Love only occurs when we transcend the mind and enter a space of non-control. This is what we do in our shamanic rituals, meditation, and breathwork practices. The goal is always the same: to stop directing the experience and just let it flow.

In this state, you stop fighting. You start including everything.

A difficult emotion comes up? You include it.
A painful memory surfaces? You include it.
A negative thought arrives? You include it.

Instead of pushing these things away, you welcome them with care and trust. This capacity to include everything is what love actually is.

Love is not just a sweet, romantic feeling. Love is your capacity to connect with everything—the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is the energy that binds you to reality when you stop resisting it.

That is why you never fall in love with the person you expect to fall in love with. It happens spontaneously, on a random day, when you least expect it. Why? Because love needs spontaneity. It needs the absence of control to breathe.

Conclusion: True Love is Connection, Not Need

When you learn to accept, trust, and let go of control, you arrive at a beautiful, unique place in your life. You realize that you don’t need anyone to feel love.

The people in your life will be there because you want them there, not because you desperately need them to fill a void. Your relationships will come from a place of freedom, not dependency.

You will feel lighter, more energetic, and more joyful than ever before. Instead of adapting your life to get validation from others—like I did when I was younger—you will finally start creating your own life.

Ready to Go Deeper?

This power is already inside you, but you have to learn how to access these different states of consciousness.

If you are curious about how to enter these states of non-control, acceptance, and trust, we are here to help. We are always working with these energies through practices in nature, retreats, and community gatherings.

Contact us, leave a comment, or join our community. Let’s walk this path back to love together.

We are connected. See you soon.